Ek, Bey, Tran, Chaar

Time and again I have heard these starting bars on the radio. They act as a cue for me to reach for the volume button on my car stereo. But today, it was not to be so. My wife was driving the car. I was in the backseat. No, don't get me wrong. I respect my wife and do not treat her like a driver, but what to do? She says I distract her. In my younger days, I would have taken that as an invitation, and would have asked her to join me on the backseat. But now, I know I am a distraction in the worst possible way. Plus I had, in my hands, a tin full of Dhokla. So she ordered me to sit in the back and not to touch upholstry with my greasy hands. I was celebrating not having been on a fast for some time with a gujju nibble (don't read too much into this).
So, you see, it was difficult to reach for the volume control. And I had to hear it. He Ram! This time it was a RAP! Earlier AB used to just say the lines written by some poor copywriter for a press ad, trying hard to make Gujarat seem like English countryside. (Radio VO and press copy are two different things, as was taught to us in the old school of advertising, but what do I know?) I just used to give out a sigh, as senior AB told listeners how they can be 'one with themselves in Kutch on top a camel' or some such philosophical nonsense.
But in RAP? Please! And one which has an opening line - "Hey you"! I could almost hear the Notorious B.I.G. going "Mothaf..." as he turned in his grave. Don't you think this gives the English coutryside a slight Hell's Kitchen twist?
My stomach sure did a twist and I threw the tin of dhokla towards the car stereo! The dhoklas flew in all directions! My wife gave out a scream and took one roller-coaster turn as we hit an innocent Gujarati bystander. I did not have to tell her to flee the scene as she pressed the accelerator hard as if it was the brake!
I demand a fresh radio spot be written and given to AB immediately. Until that happens, I am not touching another piece of Khaman.

Jai Somnath, Jai Hind.
- Anna.

Wire, Wire, the Script's on Fire!

Its no surprise that people are losing their faith in politics and advertising. No matter which industry you belong to (yes, advertising is still considered an industry), your experiments with truth have run their course. Consumers have decided to suspend their suspension of disbelief. And at the heart of this change is the sinking levels of advertising creativity.
Agreed, your precious wires do not catch fire. But what about your pants? By what stretch of imagination (they stretch too, right? I mean wires, not pants.) are we supposed to believe, that the fire of corruption is connected to, and will be doused by a piece of wire??? Wire is fire-proof - call corruption fire - therefore wire is corruption-proof! Huh??? This is how you give advertising logic a bad name!
How about this logic: The father is the consumer, the bratty kid the advertiser. The father ends up strangling the kid with the same flag-pole wire! What? not convinced? Or is the agency/client totally 'fire'-proof?

First I was too disgusted to mount a hunger strike, and just wanted to watch some 'other' cartoon as the kid says (wink, wink, aren't we clever?) but there's the future of advertising to think about. If I don't protest against this ad, the future generation of writers would think this to be a benchmark! At least those who do not choose technical or content writing instead and make decent money!

I am extending my ongoing fast* by two more days.

Jai WPP, Jai Hind.
- Anna.

* The one against the Fevi Stick (Sachin) ad.

 

Aaila! Duplicate!

The moment I saw the visiting card, I knew that something was amiss. It wasn't surprising that Piyush had come to meet me at my humble abode. But it was damn suspicious to see the word O'gilvy written in all caps! I had done a crash course in typography just recently and I knew the difference between calligraphic signature and typographic word instantly!
I wanted to see this fake Piyush out of curiosity, so I asked my disciple to show him in. "Hahahahaha" he gave out a hearty signature laugh as we greeted each other, I could not help but see his pristine white teeth and knew that I do not need to take any dental marks and send them to the lab to verify his identity.
"It's the Fevi-Stick commercial that I wanted to see you about", he said. I narrowed my eyes. "You mean the one that had a fake Sachin with the fake acting in a fake shop?" I was no stranger to politicians lobbying to stop me from going on a fast. I had already seen this ad. "Yes, the same one" he said, "It's written by one of my boys and I was wondering if you found it alright."
"Alright?! You mean it is alright to use a fake to tell people to buy genuine Fevi-Stick? Sorry, that one did not stick. It is irritating as hell! Why does he keep dancing and overacting? Maybe you should have used original Sachin to end the commercial and make a point."
Fake Piyush gave out a sheepish smile, "You do have a point there, Anna. But it is December. We have spent everything on scams and fake releases! Nothing's left to get the real Sachin!"
"So what do you want me to do about your stupid ad?, I asked.
"Well, just don't go on a fast against this. We are planning to send this one for the awards, and any bad publicity might cost us the gold at Cannes". With this, slowly, he opened his briefcase. It was full of banknotes! He pushed it towards me!
The commercial did not stand a chance even at fake Cannes (Which is organized every year near Candivali). I was sure the banknotes were fake as well. But I was growing tired of this fake Piyush and wanted to end the meeting, just like viewers are getting tired of watching their god being ridiculed every five minutes on national television. See for yourself:

"Ok, I will go on a fake fast!", I said.
"Hahahaha, That works fine! Let's celebrate!", fake Piyush was happy. One of my disciples brought us some Earl Grey tea. He started ranting about his days as a tea-tester as he poured milk in his cup of Earl Grey.... Sigh!
Although this ad looks like written by a fake writer under the supervision of fake Piyush, in fake O'gilvy, I am going on a REAL, week-long fast to protest against this atrocity.

Jai Sachin, Jai Hind.
-Anna.

Direct to Hell!

I am posting this from the hospital. No, don't get me wrong, I am just a visitor here. I had to come down to meet this unfortunate couple who have miraculously survived the crash that they got themselves into. Not only are they victims of bad advertising, but of a bad shooting script. Back on their feet, I am sure they will want to shoot whoever wrote this commercial they were modeling for. See for yourself. There are a number of questions you might want to ask the writers:
1] What are these 5 models dressed in shorts doing on table land (or whatever this location is)?
2] Why are they asking if the couple (who might have a different agenda being all alone in their car) if they want to see a demo of a DTH service? Aren't they far away from their hotel, which would have been a better place to demo it? (Again, be mindful that the couple might have a different agenda over there as well).
3] Why fit a mirror blocking the driver's vision and send them down a death ride? (Sorry this should have been question number one).
4] How much did you pay the couple so that they agree to your stupid scheme?
5] How is a mirror a demo of HD? (Perhaps this should have been question number one).
6] The woman asks "Ek aur demo milega?" How early did you take this shot? I have just visited both in hospital. Her face was all hidden with bandages, and both of them had their fixed jaws open! I am sure she looked different after your first 'demo'. (Evil, evil is the editing machine).
7] Can the entire team that worked on this commercial (including the client) fit in that car? Will they scream the same way while rolling down a slope with a mirror blocking their view?
Try it. Please. I insist.

 
I am on a week-long fast against this commercial. I will open my mouth to eat something the moment the convalescing couple close theirs.
Jai Bud Ekins, Jai Hind.
- Anna.

Will the real Einstein please stand up?

As I was heading towards Maharaja restaurant (now quickly renamed 'Saheb' given its proximity to Matoshri) to end my fast against the Cleartrip Commercial, I saw this hoarding.
Let us for a moment forget who is the advertiser. or what is on sale here. What in the blazes name has happened to financial advertising? From the days of Pooja Bhatt donning a bikini and the regulatory 'bodies' going up in arms against misleading financial advertising, we have managed to come a long long way. (or was it Pooja Bedi, sorry I was not looking at the face. Blame it on my youth back then!)
Investors getting misled by advertising creativity was long banned by SEBI (this information is for the benefit of those new to advertising), But how about investors getting misled on roads and banging into the cars in the front because they tried reading the body copy on a hoarding?? Read the offer document carefully, they say, so you can't blame those who are screaming at each other over smashed bumpers.

Regulators, wake up! This is a HOARDING. Its a reminder medium, or have you not learnt advertising? Oh you didn't. Sorry, my bad... Sigh! Whatever happened to those neat asterisks which made you aware about the risks factors...
 Needless to say, I turned around. I had to get back on the 'fast' track again. The taste of that butter chicken is still haunting me. And this makes me really really mad.
I am taking this opportunity to introduce an EXCITING CONTEST! The first one to tell me what is the seventh word in the third line of the bottom middle paragraph on this hoarding will win a butter chicken dinner for two at Saheb Restaurant!*

Jai Pressman. Jai Hind.
-Anna

*Stop fantasizing, I am going to be your dinner companion...

Can we please be clear?

First, I thought my old age was showing its dark side, but then I looked up this ad on the internet. There are over 57,000 YouTube views for this ad but not a single comment! Like me, it really has left everyone speechless!

This is what the sole comment (obviously by the creators) says: Our 10-second video stamps were designed to reaffirm Cleartrip's commitment to clear the way for you to travel. They're quick, they're clear and they look rather good. As some would say, a bit like how your travel booking experience should be.

My oh, my! Are they happy with themselves or what! Let the viewers be dumbfounded. So stop staring at the screen, shut that open mouth and immediately log on and start booking! No? well, seems you should see the rest of the ads. One says LOUD & CLEAR. Then perhaps you will log on. Saw them? No? Not convinced yet to book that flight/hotel/train you always wanted to??? Oh, you must be joking!!

And now there will be a different category at the award shows called Video Stamps! So if you say, "I don't understand this ad" you need not look stupid. It's not an ad anyways! Rather a page out of a typography book overzealously edited.

Ok, enough with the criticism. Let me be absolutely clear: I am going on a fast to protest against this ad because Cleartrip is such a great web service. So simple, so efficient, that it is at sharp contrast with this advertising binge. No doubt the creators and brand managers are toasting its grand success in a conference room far far away from the consumers. Let them. But if any jury member anywhere gives an award to this campaign, I will make sure that he/she stays on complete fast throughout the duration of the judging process!

Jai Sir Timothy Berners-Lee, Jai Hind!

- Anna.

I Hate Tears

It is one thing to be forgotten. It is quite another to be remembered as a hero getting old and frail. I'd rather the former happens to the icons of an era than the latter. I love Kaka. And I absolutely hate puns that do not go along with the character of a hero (he was not a comedian, guys). Shove all those fans up certain place of whoever wrote this ad along with the client who approved it. Sigh! There is no respect for seniors nowadays. He does not have fortunes of the Bachchan. But he was what he was, and I am going on a fast against this insensitive ad. I will continue this fast until I have seen all movies starring Rajesh Khanna.

Jai Jatin. Jai Hind.
- Anna.